Oh, Akin you are comedy gold

• The natural enemies of the uterus are the locust, the hawk, the carpenter ant, and the witch.

• It is possible to use a uterus to determine the nearest source of fresh water or magnetic North but not both.

• A uterus will freeze at any temperature below that of 15C. 

• The touch of a uterus will blight and cripple the oak, the pine, and the larch for a generation. A cactus is impervious to the uterus’ touch.

• A uterus that has come into the full realization of its powers can only be killed by the seventh son of a seventh son. However, he cannot be Jewish.

• It is possible to summon an inhabitant of the drowned city of Atlantis by blowing upon a uterus like a conch shell. This can be done only once.

• No uterus can survive under the gaze of a wizard; it will wither and shrivel into a harmless stone mask (do not attempt to wear the mask).

Read the rest at The Awl.

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