Christopher Hitchens has died

And that sucks. I can’t say anything meaningful about the man that hasn’t already been said. Instead, I’ll share the chapter of Unbelievable History that was inspired by him.

By Helen Spencer, Syllogistorian


James Madison was the 4th President of the United States and the main architect of the Constitution. One little known thing about Madison was his staunch atheism. In his time he was famous for writing The Federalist Delusion, God Is Not Greateth, and his philosophical thought experiment involving some kind of invisble pottery or pasta or something. After getting elected, he outlawed Christianity. This is why no one elects atheists to public office in America anymore. Once, they tried to elect an atheist to the Senate, but a mob of Christian historians stormed one of the would-be Senator’s rallies. Then, using abalone shells, they flayed the skin from her bones.

Madison famously disapproved of the Treaty of Tripoli because it didn’t go far enough. It wasn’t enough that it simply declared that the U.S. was not a Christian nation. He thought it should’ve had two more paragraphs proclaiming a devout anti-theism message.

Instead of debating his opponents when he ran for President, he would have widely-publicized debates with creationists. However, since he lived before the theory of evolution–everyone was a creationist. These debates were mostly just Madison uninformedly rolling his eyes at all of the arguments about a divine watchmaker.

After being elected, the first thing Madison did was single-handedly provoke the British to invade America by sending King George III desecrated Eucharists. King George might not have minded this so much, but one of the ways Madison desecrated the Eucharist was by placing them inside the exhumed corpse of the King’s dead mother. Initially the King just asked for an apology and the rehuming of his mother, but Madison wanted none of this. Instead he went to war with England in a mad crusade to convert them to atheism. Contemporary critics called this, “Mr. Madison’s Jihad.” Clearly Madison was right to do this against those Anglicofascists.

In general, the populous complained about him being “shrill” and “strident.” They were right. If you don’t know what those words mean, they are both defined as being “of or like Richard Dawkins.”

Unbelievable Fact! After Madison created the U.S. Constitution, he went ahead and wrote on the back of it his famous “Spirit of the Constitution.” Whenever crises would happen in the U.S. economy, politicians could capitalize on this by flipping to the “The Spirit of the Constitution” side. The Spirit of the Constitution was used by future Congresses and future Presidents to bailout corporations and give handouts. It also helped in nationalizing automakers.

Not buying this book is a form of child abuse.

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