My hometown has some anti-gay people in it (surprise!)

I’ll let you in on a secret. If your “cherished religious beliefs” necessarily include being a jerk to people because they are gay, then your religious beliefs suck. Period.

For real though, people should be on the same team when it comes to keeping employers, apartment managers, loan officers etc out of your personal business. Even if they disagree with me on teh gays, you’d think Republicans would appreciate a disdain for the nosy.

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Sex Having Couple Charged with Environmental Disturbance for Sexy Sex

So I could maybe understand if this was billed as the neighbors being upset or something. I’d still err on the couple’s side, because fuck you if you don’t like the beautiful noise of sexual congress. Providing it is a damn public service.

What I’m curious about though is how this is an environmental issue. Is there some sleepy marsupial being kept up by this? Or are they counting annoyed humans as a disturbed environment? Maybe Australians and Floridians are especially sensitive to the sound of the human mating call.

 

You Must Shoot All the Things!

So this happened.  

And it’s not the first time. Whenever I hear a story like this, I don’t think “Time for gun control,” though that may be a reasonable line of thinking aside. No, I just think, why would you shoot that even if you were right? How urgent is it to shoot a monkey that you can’t wait two seconds to make sure it’s not your son?

Maybe I’m being naive. I mean, it could be that there is a disproportionate number of monkeys in the sex offender registry. Then the guy is just trying to protect his son, right?

Or maybe we just don’t know the backstory. Maybe Gupta Bahadur has been threatened by the monkey mafia. Maybe a monkey killed his parents and he was seeking revenge.

So if these are possibilities, then maybe you should shoot all monkeys without taking time to check the species you are killing. Maybe a monkeyologist could clear this up for us in the comments. 

Oh, Akin you are comedy gold

• The natural enemies of the uterus are the locust, the hawk, the carpenter ant, and the witch.

• It is possible to use a uterus to determine the nearest source of fresh water or magnetic North but not both.

• A uterus will freeze at any temperature below that of 15C. 

• The touch of a uterus will blight and cripple the oak, the pine, and the larch for a generation. A cactus is impervious to the uterus’ touch.

• A uterus that has come into the full realization of its powers can only be killed by the seventh son of a seventh son. However, he cannot be Jewish.

• It is possible to summon an inhabitant of the drowned city of Atlantis by blowing upon a uterus like a conch shell. This can be done only once.

• No uterus can survive under the gaze of a wizard; it will wither and shrivel into a harmless stone mask (do not attempt to wear the mask).

Read the rest at The Awl.